Holy crap! A new post!

Wow. Time sure flies when you're doing something!

Sorry it's been so long since I updated, but at least I'm not as bad as THIS guy! I'm teasing The Limey, as it's a good thing to have so much going on in your life that you're not constantly updating about nothing. Rightly, he leaves that for us pitiful blokes with too much time on our hands and no cable to watch EPL football.

But as the video monitor said, "I degauss."

I've been spending a lot of time fiddling with the third and final film for my "Art of Filmmaking" class, entitled "Dissolving," which is finally completed and uploaded for those who would like to view it.

Here's the QuickTime version (5MB)for Apple users and smart folks who use QuickTime on PCs.

Here's the Windows version (6MG)for the other 90% of the world.

The previous film ,"Valentine's Day," was a "continuity" exercise, meaning that it was to feature conventional editing -- i.e., if a guy is sitting at a table flipping through a newspaper, and you switch from a side view to an overhead view, the page he's flipping should be at the same position as you make the cut, to make the edit seamless for the viewer. In addition, the second film was to tell a story. The primary goal for this last film was to create a mood -- it could accompany music or a poem, but the idea was for it to be atmospheric.

This was a good challenge for me. I love story-telling and I'm not too bad at it. But I'm less inclined to be more abstract -- or to use the technical term, "artsy fartsy. " This last film, then, is designed to be a sort of meditation on the tenuousness of existence, using The Calamity for inspiration. "The Unlikely Event" song "Creepy" served as the musical inspiration.

Here are some lovely stills that Argotnaut took during the production. (Note dead dog in the middle of the top shot.) If you watch the film you'll see a nice "dolly shot," the "dolly" being the cart on which the camera is pushed around. The second photo reveals the hi-tech dolly I used: my bicycle trailer. Actually, it worked reasonably well. Other directors advocate using a wheelchair as a dolly in low-budget productions like mine. pfft. My method is far superior! (sniff)



In other news, I got Argotnaut the first half of her birthday present: a chaise longue, which she's been clamoring after for a couple of years now. Note in the top picture that the doggy is suddenly alive again! Also admire the hi-tech sun screen in the bottom picture that Argotnaut uses to shade her computer. Very complex arrangement.



Ah, the leisurely life of a student...that was a joke honey!

Couldn't Resist Part 2

Also, when I first saw this, I wasn't sure if it was a drink or a deodorant. All that snowboarder, X-treme culture junk looks the same to me. Where's my arthritis medicine? Hey, you kids! Get away from my car! Damn kids!

Couldn't resist this

It's a good thing that these instructions that came our little Coleman cooler say "For Japanese Consumers Only." Otherwise, I might have spent all day trying to figure them out!

Quick hip update

I think it's a good thing that I nearly forgot to mention this: I had an appointment with Dr. Hikes last week for my "two years out from the new hip installation" check-up. I had a new set of x-rays taken and then Dr. Hikes and I looked them over. The verdict: everything is A-OK. Good bone grown where there's supposed to be bone growth, no bone grown where there ain't. No gaps between the bone and the cup that forms the artificial socket. The pin in the femur is rock solid. Hip flexation is excellent.

So, no nasty surprises, and he doesn't need to see me again for another two years unless I start to experience any problems. Buddy is making sure that I walk at least two miles a day, and I'm doing enough biking to keep things well oiled. All good things, according to the doc.

I didn't expect him to find anything bad, but it's still nice to have the confirmation that all is well with the undercarriage.

Not Roger Corman...

but more like Harvey Korman!

Last weekend, I finished the principal photography for film 3, tentatively called "Dissolving."

Man, this filmmaking ain't for sissies! The logistical needs of this little three minute opus required me to rent two lab coats from a costume shop, rent a car to drive out to Columbia River Gorge to shoot a number of waterfalls, lie in a drainage ditch amidst a tangle of stinging nettles, stand out in the pouring rain for an hour, completely dismantle Ridiculous Mouse Audio Studios to assemble Ridiculous Mouse Movie Studio, learn how to siphon sickly green liquid into a 20-gallon aquarium, and buy a couple of 250 watt lights from the mighty Fred Meyer. And that's just the main stuff.

Needless to say, I'm having a blast doing it. It'll be even better if the footage I took last weekend actually turns out. That's the magic/curse with film: unlike video, film is like Christmas in that until in comes back from that lab, you don't know if you got a Red Rider BB gun with a compass in the stock, or a horrid pink bunny suit from your Aunt. In the editing lab at the NW Film Center, I've heard nearly an equal amount of "Yes!" and "Shit!" from those who are viewing their footage for the first time.

The four rolls of film I took during the weekend should be back from processing on Tuesday. Wish me luck.

"What's 'Dissolving' about?" I hear you ask. Well, I'm not going to tell you. But here are some production stills taken by Argotnaut with her new, trusty camera-phone. The gentlemen you see are the other half of our little electronica band "The Unlikely Event."





Oh, and on a follow-up to my previous Kaiser Permanente posts, I did in fact get a card and letter in the mail saying I'm covered. Of course, with KP, there has to be a catch, and the catch this time is that they are covering Argotnaut as well even though she has run screaming from KP and signed on with another carrier. This is probably because she was covered under my COBRA insurance. When I converted the KP COBRA plan to a regular plan, I only put my name on the form and not Argotnaut's. So I have to call KP and find out if it'll save me any dough to have Lisa removed from the policy.

But that's a minor point...in case of catastrophe, we're covered. Theoretically.

Can one person make a difference?

Let's hope so.

Buried halfway down page two of the letter I got from Kaiser Permanente informing me that I was ineligible for coverage lurked a sentence stating that, if I was currently covered by a KP group plan and was turned down for an individual plan upon conversion, I might be eligible for a "portability plan." This, apparently, is a special type of coverage offered to those in my situation, i.e., folks who were worthy of coverage under a group plan but who are now suddenly UNWORTHY of coverage when attempting to convert that plan to individual coverage.

During the course of trying to figure all this out, I talked to five or six KP employees who had that certain tone in their voice -- you know, the one that indicates clearly that they're making it up as they go along: "Uh, yeah. Yeah! Sure. Um. I think we can help you. I think you should be accepted. I, uh, don't see any reason why not." (Beware that last statement, the statement of the truly false prophet.) Fortunately, I wrote down the name of the one Kaiser employee who actually seemed to know what he was talking about. So I called "Steven M" -- who I'd dealt with a few weeks ago -- and updated him on my situation. He assured me that, yes, the forms I'd sent in were the correct ones and that, in fact, I was eligible for the portability plan, that I was currently covered and would be covered for the foreseeable future.

Three cheers and a tiger for me!

My relief is muted, however, because Kaiser has yet to bill me. And I suspect that, if were hit by an out-of-control snowboarder tomorrow and needed treatment of "board burn" to my tender bits, KP would try to figure out some way to gong me, say, because I hadn't made a payment yet under the portability plan.

Am I being too untrusting? I can tell my your snorts of derision that you don't think so.

Anyway, I have been assured by someone who sounds knowledgeable that I'm covered. However, in tracking him down, I found out that he was a relatively new employee. So does that mean that he doesn't yet know that he's not supposed to be helpful, or merely that he's not yet jaded. I don't know, but let's hope that I was fortunate enough to find one person who can make a difference for the better.

"I clean out public lavatories"

I know two great people who work at Kaiser Permanente, a large HMO that operates here in the western states. I really feel sorry for them.

Because given how many people I've met who fucking hate KP, I wonder if, when KP employees are at parties and a stranger asks, "so what do you do for a living?" they concoct some lie. I mean, would you want to own up to working for an organization that provides such an important service, yet so thoroughly annoys and frustrates so many people on such a regular basis? Do KPers fear saying, "I work for Kaiser Permanente," because they fully expect the questioner to recoil as if bitten by a black mamba, or to go off on a rant about how bad Kaiser screwed over a friend or several friends, or, worst of all, to simply shudder mildly as if they've just smelled something horrible and mutter "Oh. How nice."

I wonder if some KP employees just opt to lie and say they work in a humble but honorable profession that benefits the common good.
"So, what do you do for a living?"
"I clean out public lavatories."
"Really? Any chance for promotion there?"
"Oh yes, after a year, they'll give me a brush."*

Why this sudden annoyance with KP? you ask. A valid question. The answer is that I just got rejected by them today.

But perhaps I should start at the beginning. I worked at a lovely communications writing firm, Alling Henning and Associates, for a few months in 2004, long enough to qualify for their health plan. But then the calamity settlement came in and I decided I'd try to write for a living. So I left AHA and, as a result, I've been insured by AHA's health care plan, the aforementioned Kaiser Permanente, through COBRA. For 18 months. I've gotten check-ups from KP and never asked them for so much as an aspirin.

When COBRA was running out, I applied for a KP individual plan, since they already had my history and I'd been with them for nearly two years. No dice. The problem: "Hip replacement less than five years, and an unfavorable brain condition."

Ouch. That brain condition thing really hurt.

Now I like to think I'm a reasonable person. If KP wanted me to have a full check-up to make sure I was in good shape before insuring me, fine. I'm healthier than probably 90% of 44-50 year-olds in America. I don't smoke, exercise regularly, am not overweight, have low cholesterol, eat healthy meals(mostly) and have no history of chronic illness. Hell, I've never even had a cavity!

These things don't enter into the equation, however. And equation is the operative word here, I'm sure. They've got their tables and stats, and regardless of your history with them or the reality of your situation, the stats rule the day. "So long, low-maintenance but statistically unattractive gimp!"

Kaiser currently has a public relations campaign going here (gee, think they need it?) that features the slogan, "thrive." I've had fantasies of striking their billboards and bus placards by night, replacing the "thr" in thrive with a "j."

But as the lawn mower said, "I de-grass."

KP isn't the only villain here, I should mention. During the calamity, I was insured by Lifewise, another HMO in the area. They niggled on some stuff but overall I was satisfied with them. So I approached them first as my COBRA expiration approached. But they also turned me down for the same reason -- a hip replacement less than five years old. But at least they gave me an alternative: Oregon Medical Insurance Pool, which is the court of last resort for those of us who are healthier than 90% of the U.S. population but are cursed with pre-existing conditions from which we've been recovered for two years. That and unfavorable brain conditions.

I'm glad that I don't have anything really wrong with me, because, well, Jesus! What would you do? I guess what most Americans do: go without. Then if something really bad happens -- like cancer or the like -- you're not only up shit creek, but buried beneath the spring from whence shit creek issues.

It also makes me wonder why having a joint replacement within the last five years seems tantamount to having leprosy, gout, lupus and the mange. I'd do some research on the subject, but I'm afraid to.

Anyway, I'm sending my Oregon Insurance Pool application in tomorrow. Wish me luck. And those pagans among you (you know who you are), please work up an extra special nasty hex on Kaiser Permanente managers for the upcoming Vernal Equinox. But not that they all become cleaners of public lavatories. That's too good for 'em.

*Gag courtesy of Monty Python's Flying Circus.

"Valentine's Day" plus odds and ends

The final cut of "Valentine's Day" is completed. It has its deficiencies, but overall I'm happy with it. I'm particularly proud of the story I wrote for it, which comes through despite rudimentary equipment, amateur acting and a bumbling crew (meaning me and my co-director).

For those of you who wish to view it, I've posted two different versions, in Windows Video Format, which I believe should also play in QuickTime. First is a large but high quality version that's about 11.4 MG with a bit transfer rate of 512 kbps. So I wouldn't try that one if you don't have a couple minutes of download time and a broadband connection. The second is a small but lower quality version that's only 2 MG and a bit rate of 87 kpbs. It's a bit blurry, but you can get the gist.

The third and final film we are to do is to be an atmospheric piece based on a song, poem or other moody art thang. I have an idea of what I want to do, but I have to ask the instructor if it's technically possible, or foolhardy to even attempt.

Other odds and ends:

Last night, Argotnaut and I attended a gathering of linguists that meets every first Friday of the month for snacks, drinks and generally linguistic geekery. I posed a question that's been on my mind on and off ever since the calamity. In English, we have short-hand words to describe the condition of not being able to see (blind), not being able to hear (deaf) and not being able to speak (mute). But what about a similar word for not being able to smell? Or to taste? ("Tasteless" doesn't work very well to describe the latter!)

The linguists left me high and dry on this one. Any suggestions from readers? Argotnaut offhandedly tossed out "blind in the nose" but I think we can do better.

I don't talk like a Portlander yet, but I'm sure it's creeping in my accent around the edges.

Here's a quote I saw in the paper recently that I think will be exactly how historians will sum up George W's administration. This comes from Robert Hutchings, the chairman of the National Intelligence Council from 2003 to 2005: "Frankly, senior officials simply weren't ready to pay attention to analysis that didn't conform to their own optimistic scenarios."

I think that pretty much hits the nail on the head. Hutchings was talking about how the administration poo-pooed the idea that the insurgency in Iraq was intensifying and expanding, but really, I think it succinctly explains why W's administration has become "The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight."

Movies on tap for this weekend: "Night of the Hunter" and "Don't Look Now." I might get around to watching part of the Oscar telecast tomorrow, but probably not all of it. The electronica band in which Argotnaut and I participate usually rehearses on Sunday evenings, and rather than spend time watching other people celebrate other people's art, I prefer to try to make some of my own. Although "art" is probably giving our little band far too much credit!

What 's an instructor's most deadly weapon?

Answer -- Utter these words: "For this project I want you to work in groups."

Groan!

Argotnaut and I have discussed why we react to these words in the same way we might react to stepping in a big, juicy pile of dog poop. It comes down to the fact that we usually end up leading the group, not because we're smarter than other group members (although in Argonaut's case, that's probably true) but because we both tend to have strong ideas about how things should be done. Perhaps that's what leadership is, in essence. Like "W," it's more important to be confident than to be right.

I must admit I had my usual "Aw Crap!" reaction when our instructor in the "Art of Filmmaking" class said that we would work in pairs for our second film. But it's turned out okay. We screened some of the raw footage we took in class last week, and last Sunday, we put together a rough cut of the second film, "Valentine's Day." The only real problem was that my partner didn't know how to use the camera correctly when we shot our first roll of film, so that roll is slightly underexposed. It's definitely usable, and I might be able to improve on it with some of the video-editing software I have at home. This week, we add sound, if desired (music, voice-overs, sound effects). The final cut is due on March 8, and I'll be sure to post the results here.

In the meantime, I've managed to create a Windows-friendly version of "Buddy Quest," which you can find here. The Windows version (6.3 MB)is almost twice as big as the QuickTime version (3.4 MB), so those of you who wish to view the Windows version may want to start the download and then go make a cup of coffee or something.

If you don't have QuickTime, you can download it here. It's worth the trouble because I believe it's far easier to use than Media Player. That's only my opinion though...don't sue me, Bill!

Buddy Quest movie

I'm about to run out for an editing session on film two. But here's a link to "Buddy Quest," which is in ".mov" format. It should play on Apple Quicktime, but I'm not sure about Windows Media Player. If you don't have Quicktime, you can download it...somewhere. More later!

Chilly Buns My Ass!

Oh how quickly we forget!

Yes, not that long ago, I was a hardy Chicagoan who could look at the forecast below (culled from today's Chicago Tribune) and say, "Bring it on!"

... Wind Chill Advisory remains in effect from midnight tonight to
9 am CST Saturday...

Temperatures north of the Interstate 80 corridor are expected to
fall to between zero and 10 below zero overnight. The combination
of these cold overnight temperatures and northwest winds of 15 to
20 mph... will produce dangerous wind chills of between 20 below
and 30 below zero late tonight and early Saturday morning. Wind
chills will rise above dangerous thresholds by late Saturday
morning as winds diminish and daytime warming occurs.

A Wind Chill Advisory means that very cold air and strong winds
will combine to generate dangerously low wind chills. This will
result in frost bite and lead to hypothermia if precautions are
not taken. If you must venture outdoors... make sure you wear a hat
and gloves.

I love that last bit. "No shit, wear a hat and gloves!" Makes the 30 mph winds and near zero windchills we're currently experiencing in Portland seem downright puny in comparison. As Argotnaut told me after coming back from class today through the howling winds that blast over the 15-foot-deep Cascades snowpack and roar out of the Columbia River Gorge like some sort of face-peeling arctic hurricane, "I'd forgotten how much I hate this shit!" Ah, it almost made me nostalgic for "The Hawk."

Luckily, it was nothing like "this shit" when we filmed the outside sequences for my second student film, "Valentine's Day," last weekend. It was a bit chilly, but not "exposed flesh freezes in less than 60 seconds" chilly. The indoor sequences were shot in a cool coffee shop near our house. My fellow student and co-director, Rachel, here sets up a shot with the character known in my screenplay only as "geeky guy."



We will get the video from both our first and second films this Wednesday. Then we start editing, using, as it turns out iMovie. (Final Cut Pro is apparently a very "deep" program used by highly evolved professionals, and using it to edit Super 8 films would be like using a Formula One race car to drive to the end of the block.)

Final edit, with music, of the second film is due March 8.

I'm hoping to edit the first film, "Buddy Quest," on my home computers. I have both a little Mac laptop (with iMovie) and a big PC laptop (with Vegas Video 4.0), and I might edit the film once with each application to see which I like better.

Interestingly (to me at least) is that I also use Vegas as a multi-track music recording system and it works great. I plan to add music to both projects. I don't know yet if I'll actually write anything specifically for them or just drop in some music from a CD. Rachel believes that the "Valentine's Day" story is strong enough to submit the film to short film festivals. (That is, if we didn't make a complete hash of the footage, a big "IF" at this stage). If so, I'll have to do some original music for it anyway.

Wow! I'm feeling all Spielbergy! (Okay, actually more like "Senor Spielbergo" from the Simpsons.)

Oh Baby Matinee

Since the end of the pro football season (RIP), I've been in movie mode -- that is, seeing them, renting them, and making them.

My first student film, "Buddy Quest," was screened in class last week. It turned out reasonably well, but mostly it did what it was supposed to do -- i.e., show you everything you can do wrong. For instance, Robert Rodriguez may say that you should throw away your tripod, and just use your hands, but if you do that, your film will look like it's been shot by a palsied hunchback. Not that I'm gainsaying Mr. Rodriguez. Far from it. I'm only saying that in most situations a tripod is a good idea if you don't want your movie to resemble those newsreels made by Vietnam combat filmmakers who kept filming whilst running for their lives when Charlie suddenly appeared out of the jungle. Although in Mr. Rodriguez's defense, he also says to "get a wheelchair and push yourself around in it," which is exactly the suggestion our film instructor made. Maybe I shoulda hung on to mine.

I will get "Buddy Quest" transferred to video along with my second student film, which my co-director and I will shoot tomorrow and Saturday. Then we get the video files for both films back at the same time, and we begin editing the films digitally, I believe using Apple "Final Cut."

The most interesting viewing experience I've had recently was at the Kennedy School, a refurbished grade school nearby that has been converted to a hotel/theater/brewpub. On Mondays and Tuesdays, they have a "Mommy Matinee" ("Babies Welcome!") that allows hapless new parents to actually crawl out of their caves and go see a movie. Last week they showed "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" ,which I'd been interested in seeing. Due to the theater showing the film at 1 pm and being an easy walk from my house, I was willing to risk the potential "squall line," because I didn't think it would be that overrun with little bundles of joy.

Boy was I wrong!


There must've been about 30 of the little darlins in the place! It was actually quite amazing to see. It also kind of made me grateful that the calamity took away most of my sense of smell.

I'd do the "Mommy Matinee" again, but "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" was not a good choice for it -- too much fast talking and muttered, though clever, dialogue, which was drowned out frequently by occasional crying, squeaking, fidgeting and spit-up-ing from all quarters of the room. I'm not saying the concept of a Mommy Matinee is a bad idea. Clearly, a need exists. But a better choice of film would be a brainless superhero movie. Maybe Fantastic Four. No need to catch all the witty repartee there -- just a 50-foot screen upon which to show Jessica Alba. Plus, I'm not sure how much language babies retain when they are less than a year old, but if they retain a fair amount, then the first word out of these babies mouths will be "fuck." A character in the movie actually apologizes "to the folks in the Midwest" for using the word so often in the film.

I'd like to be around to film that magical moment when little angelic Brandon or Caitlin utter their first intelligible words: "Blblbllbl hmmmmm flibble fuck! FUUUUUCK! frabja..."

"Oh honey! Isn't that darling! She's channeling Denis Leary!"

Coppola, Scorsese...Heckman?

Actually, probably more like Wood, Smithee, Heckman.

I am now enrolled in the Northwest Film School class "Art of Filmmaking."

The weapon of choice: a Canon Super 8mm camera. I can't look at one of these things without remembering all the vacations my family used to take together in the days of my yoot. Dad was a private pilot, so sometimes rather than travel in our mighty AMC Rambler Ambassador (how we fit two adults and five kids in that thing, I'll never know), we would pile instead into a small airplane and fly somewhere. Cozumel Mexico was the trip that has most insidiously lodged itself in my brain -- mark ye, this was not the tourist trap Cozumel of today, but rather the half-jungle, up-and-coming backwater Cozumel of 1974). Because we flew there in a small plane (in this instance, an Aero Commander, known affectionately as the "Pregnant Guppy"), we had to make several stops. Dad had a Super 8 movie camera, and he seemed to take endless pleasure in taking long, circular pans of the tarmac whenever we touched down. Like Terrence Malick , my Dad had a singular style all his own. One could recognize one of his loving tarmac pans instantly.

Anyway. My first assignment is to record an activity I do every day. We are allowed only one film canister for the first assignment, which is good because they cost something like $14 each, for 3 minutes and 20 seconds of film. No wonder movie making is so expensive!

I'm not sure yet what I'm going to try to record, but I do know that our film is developed and transferred to a digital medium for editing. If so, perhaps I can post my opuses (opusi? opuscenti?) on my web site.

Let's hope I can turn in better results than Dad's mighty "tarmac pans."

Net Effect

Last year, I posted about how I used to get so much more done and be so much more creative. In the "old days," I had a full-time job, yet I still managed to be in two regularly gigging bands (writing all the music for one of them and a fair amount for the other). When I went part-time at my job, I took piano lessons and played in a band, in addition to cycling a few dozen miles every week and working out at a local health club.

In that long ago post, I conjectured that my decline in creativity was tied to the fact that I was drinking more frequently than I used to, so I adopted a straight-edge lifestyle for a while. While that experiment was beneficial in a lot of ways, it didn't necessarily help boost my creativity. Even though I don't have to try to fit time in around a full time job now, I'm still not being as productive as I was when I was racing with the rats.

Like many folks, I try to come up with some useful resolutions at the coming of each new year, and one of mine for 2006 was to figure out how to be more creatively productive -- write more, compose more, read more -- and identify obstacles to those aims.

And then it hit me. The reason, I believe, that I was more productive in my younger days is simple. I had no computer! In fact, for some of the period that I reflected back on, the Internet itself did not exist, at least not as people think of it now.

It is absolutely amazing how much time I spend in front of this damn thing. And the "net effect," as it were, leads to scenes like this:

I won't go into what I spend my time futzing around with, because it's not important. And I mean that in every way. It's not important to relate, and the things I occupy myself with aren't important, either. Okay, I'll give you one example, to illustrate how mindless my computing time is: I spend a lot of time playing "Spider solitaire." The medium level, which is just enough to be challenging, but not so hard as to be frustrating. Folks, that's just pathetic.

So, this is my resolution: one hour of mindless computing per day. Beyond that, when I spend time in front of the computer, I must have a productive purpose for doing so -- checking e-mail, firing up the home studio, researching a writing topic. (I would include blog updates in the "productive purpose" category.) Because all work and no play makes Jack a bat-shit-insane son-of-a-bitch, I will allow myself one hour a day to go on-line and play -- mostly because I'd DIE without being able to watch Homestar every Monday or "The Daily Show" clips. But one hour a day is it.

This, I hope, will force me to fill my time in better ways -- exercise, composing, hell even taking the dog for additional walks would be a better use of time.

It'll be hard at first, I know. I'm probably as accustomed to reading articles about the Chicago Bears as I am to drinking coffee, and that's saying something. But like many artists, I must fool myself into working. That, or be threatened with starvation, bodily harm or a deadline.

Anyway, wish me luck!

Xmas havoc

I'm a lazy sod. I admit that up front. I would procrastinate, but I just don't seem to get around to it. So, true to my deadline-oriented nature, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas stuff. I figure if people get our Christmas letter while their Christmas decorations are still up, that's good enough. But the hard and fast deadline that is the morning of December 25th is inescapable. Mostly. Today, I bought all of Argotnaut's Christmas presents (or should that be Solstice Surprises?), and I only need a few stocking stuffers to complete my shopping. Unfortunately, her "main present" probably won't arrive for a couple of weeks.

"Hah!" I hear you say, "your shopping is nearly done on December 23rd? You got a lot to learn about procrastinatin', boy!" Well, normally I would have waited until tomorrow, but that's when I have to gather everything for the Buddhist "meat"loaf feast, and I know the New Season grocery store will be a yuppie-filled asylum. You may get yelled at for getting in someone's way, but at least the person yelling at you will be well groomed and therefore non-threatening. That said, I think that on really busy days, New Seasons ought to outlaw those goddamned shopping carts that look like little cars that kids ride in. Two days prior to Thanksgiving or Christmas, if you've got kids, they should be chained up out front along with the poor little unfortunate dogs.

Where was I? Oh, so today I wrapped Argotnaut's presents (or "prezzies," as they are known in this household), and put them on our, um, well, Christmas table. I didn't get around to putting up the Xmas "altar" yet. But that didn't stop "Buster, the Cat Who Hated Christmas" from performing his "KILL THE SHINY THING!" ritual. Kill it, Buster! "One of us must die, wrapping paper, and it's NOT going to be me!"



As usual, I outsourced my present wrapping chores to "Drunken Retarded Monkey Giftwrappers, Ltd." They did their usual quality job -- shitty quality, that is -- but they told me for what I pay 'em, I'm lucky I get the presents back at all. But it wouldn't be Christmas without DRMG's liberal, extremely obvious use of cellophane tape and pathetic creases.



I shouldn't feel bad about my procrastination, though. I gave the Xmas letter to Argotnaut two days ago to post for our web-enabled friends, and she still hasn't gotten around to it. I'm sure it'll happen before the New Year. Happy Holidays, everyone, especially you, Bill O'Reilly. I think for people like Bill, we need to start working on a secular greeting for Easter. How about "Happy Bunny Egg Day!"

Council of Armageddon

For those of you who have too much time on your hands, you may now download the novel I wrote in November, "The Council of Armageddon." Argotnaut has pronounced it "gripping." I pronounce it "cookie dough" -- it has the ingredients of a novel, and might still be enjoyable to read, but it's only about half done. I've uploaded it in "rich text format," and thus it should be readable by all regardless of the type of word processing program or operating system you use.

AT 51,000 words, it'll probably take most people two or three hours to read. Or if you're a poky reader like me, four hours. I would advise against printing it out -- it's about 260 pages long (double spaced).

Now I must vacuum. Dammit.

Argotnaut's favorite meatless loaf

as opposed to her favorite meaty oaf, which I hope is me!

Those who also read Dr. Lizardo's blog (link to the right) know there's been some recipe-ing a'going on. She asked about the vegetarian "meat"loaf and brown sauce I make for special occasions that Argotnaut loves so much. And since I'm doing everything humanly possible to avoid vacuuming right now, here it is.

Two precautions: #1, make a double batch because the first one will be gone quickly and you'll be left with a disaster of a kitchen and no leftovers! Which leads me to precaution #2: these dishes together (and they MUST be served together, preferably with mashed potatoes and nice steamed veggies) use every pan you have and probably some you don't! The recipes come from "3 Bowls: Vegetarian Recipes from an American Zen Buddhist Monastery," by Seppo Ed Farrey. The book is a wealth of delicious, well-explained veggie recipes that range from all-in-one-pot stews to mammoth ordeals, such as this one:

Quinoa-Mushroom Nut Loaf
1 cup quinoa, rinsed well and drained
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 large celery ribs, diced
1 medium onion, diced
1.5 teaspoons sea salt
10-12 oz. white mushrooms, diced
1.5 cups wheat germ, toasted*
1 cup walnuts, toasted*
0.5 cup whole wheat bread crumbs
1 large egg, lightly whisked
1 tablespoon dried sage, crumbled
2 teaspoons dried thyme, crumbled
1 teaspoon dried rosemary, crumbled
Freshly milled black pepper
* toasting means exactly that: toast the stuff in a medium skillet until mouth-wateringly fragrant

1. Bring 2 cups water to a boil in a medium saucepan. Add the quinoa, reduce the heat to very low, cover and simmer until the water is completely absorbed and the quinoa is tender, 15-20 minutes. Remove from the heat, cover and set aside.

2. Preheat oven to 350F and generously coat a 5x9-inch loaf pan with spray, oil, or butter.

3. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the celery, onion and salt and saute, stirring occasionally, until the onion is almost translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the mushrooms and saute, stirring occasionally, until all the juices have evaporated and the vegetables just begin to stick to the pan. Transfer to a large bowl.

4. Add the quinoa and remaining ingredients. Mix well with your hands. Pack the mixture tightly into the loaf pan.

5. Bake for about 1 hour, or until the top is toasty brown. Let cool for 10 minutes, loosen the sides with a spatula, and carefully flip the nut loaf onto a serving platter. Slice carefully. Serve.

Garden Brown Sauce
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 large carrots, chopped
.75 medium onion, chopped
2 large celery ribs, chopped
2 oz. white mushrooms, cut into quarter-inch slices (about 1 cup)
4 garlic cloves, halved
quarter-cup tomato paste
quarter-cup unbleached white flour
1 cup dry red wine
2 tablespoons tamari
2 teaspoons peppercorns
3 bay leaves
1 teaspoon dried thyme, crumbled
half-teaspoon sea salt

1. Heat the oil in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Add the carrots and onion and saute, stirring occasionally, until lightly browned, about 15 minutes.

2. Add the celery, mushrooms, and garlic and saute, stirring occasionally, until browned, about 10 minutes more.

3. Add the tomato paste and saute until browned, about 10 minutes. Add the flour and cook, stirring constantly, for 1 minute.

4. Stir in the wine and scrape up the browned bits from the bottom of the saucepan. Add 6 cups water and the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low and simmer for 45 minutes.

5. Strain through a very fine sieve into a medium bowl; discard the solids. Serve immediately or refrigerate for up to 1 week. Make a double batch and freeze any leftovers. The sauce can be frozen for up to 3 months.

Hey, I'm a Novelist (sorta)

Well, I had to pound out about 5,000 words yesterday to make the 50,000 word threshold, but I am now an official novelist in the eyes of the folks at "National Novel Writer's Month."

The mighty opus, "The Council of Armageddon," is almost finished. I figure another 3,000 words will bring it to its conclusion, but I wasn't going to be able to complete it before the deadline. So when the counter on my word processing program hit 50,119, I uploaded the almost finished work at about 11:50 pm last night. For my troubles, I received this lovely gift icon:

When the first draft is finished, I will upload it to my site so that any interested parties can take a look at it. I haven't decided whether I will do a second draft -- I'm just not convinced that my writing prowess is sharp enough that I can do justice to the story right now, especially one this long and involved. Argotnaut has said she'll read it when I finish the first draft, and I will rely on her expert criticism to guide my future actions.

One thing I did discover, or rather one thing I was reminded of, was that I can't do serious writing at home. There are simply too many distractions that prevent me from focusing for extended periods. In my case, that focus is vital to achieving the flashes of insight and creativity necessary to do good work. I guess it's like meditation, and there's a good reason why Buddhist monks do not mediate in an environment where dogs and cats can jump up on them and the phone is ringing and they're tempted to watch "Daily Show" clips on the internet or to make another cup of tea rather than continue concentrating.

I did enjoy the process, however. And who knows? Maybe I can make the thing good enough that maybe somebody would want to buy it But for the near future, I have several more promising stories to shop.

Quick Thanksgiving Post

Argotnaut has expressed her desire to not have look at the zombiefied picture of her on my blog when she checks it out. So here's a quick post to bump that horrific photo down the page a bit.

Thanksgiving was lovely. I made a Tofurky feast with steamed green beans. I love the Tofurky boxed feast, which features Tofurky roast with wild rice stuffing, cranberry/potato dumplings and gravy because it's tasty, quick, and reasonably easy to prepare. Just chuck some taters and carrots in with the roast, baste it with a glaze made with soy sauce and orange juice, and shove it in the oven. However, that means for Christmas I must make Argotnaut's favorite Buddhist meat-like vegan loaf and garden sauce, which takes about two hours to prepare and dirties every pan in the house. But it shore is good!

Also good was that the football teams I was rooting for won (or, to be more accurate, the teams I was rooting against lost.)

Most of all, I'm thankful for my lovely, wonderful wife, the health of my family (including me!) and pets, and the fact that we live in a part of the world where I don't have to worry (much) about militias busting down our doors.

Now I must return to novel writing! I'm only at 36,000 words, or about 3,000 behind where I should have been yesterday. So must pound away!

In closing, here's photo of Buster. For some reason, he's been taking to jumping up on my shoulder and settling down. It might be love, but I think it's more likely the nice warm sweater!

Halloween -- now with more zombies!

I've been so busy with the novel writing that I forgot to post some of our Halloween pictures. So here are four:

Zombie Argotnaut!


Zombie Quarterback!
Actually, I used my Brian Urlacher jersey and a blue t-shirt I had to create a Jonathan Quinn jersey. Jonathan Quinn is no longer with the Chicago Bears because, well, he played quarterback like a zombie! Lack of mobility that made oak trees look spry in comparison, the quick decision-making ability of a sloth, and general "Lurch-ishness." Believe me, Chicago Bears fans were terrified by the reappearance of the not-so-might Quinn!


And to round out the set:

Zombie Dog!


And zombie baboon!
This was in fact a photo that was featured in a New York Times article about why we need to sleep (turns out, nobody's really sure). But the photo was so funny I had to include it. Looks like Argotnaut before her morning cup of coffee!